Okay. The time has come. I'm breaking the silence.
WOW! It has been a while since I've posted anything...and the more time that passes the bigger the project it feels. So this is gonna be a catch-up post, and I'll apologize in advance for the possible 'rambling' nature of it.
It has been a full month, and not sure if you get this way or not, but when I reflect over the events of the last month, its like looking through a thick haze, early in the morning on a cool autumn day. And because of the things in the present and beyond that I must be prepared for, sometimes I choose not to stand and struggle to let my eyes adjust.
Looking back over my last blog posts, it is neat to reflect that this past month has been characterized by both thankfulness and his strength supplied...I'm learning that the two go hand in hand. I'm sure there must be a verse that indicates that, but can't think of any right now... I still feel like I'm looking through the fog ;)
Now before you worry that I've slipped into my old habits of running on an empty tank and headed towards burnout (I confess it is a concern that will likely last a life-time!), let me explain...
My life has taken on new purpose this year. It is a drastic change, but I believe a good one. It has been tough, but as my friends like to say...'character building'. And most importantly, it has been a change that came directly from God, and when that happens, its doable. By His strength. With thankfulness.
Have you ever felt that you are a tiny speck in God's great universe? Perhaps like an ant, watching his plans unfold, watching Him work, and absolutely convinced that He is overall and in all, and through all. I'll be the first to admit, I don't always sense it. And I have many days of doubt and my faith is weak, very weak...but sometimes you just catch a glimpse of it. And you stand in awe.
You see I've been in this city for over 7 years. I've been involved in youth work even before that...when I was in university, it was a huge part of my life. When I reflect over the last couple of years though, I see myself more as a fixture. I was there for the most part, sometimes into it, sometimes very NOT into it...and sometimes not even there. There was no real consistency...which I chalked up to shift work and a busy life. Looking back, I'm not sure that was the case.
I think I was afraid to be committed. Afraid to take on the responsibility for fear of running dry again. And God gave me great friends who took up the torch, committed to the teen work, committed to the Sunday School, and so I was able to lurk in the shadows, give a little here, and a little there. But no real commitment. Living safely within bounds that became comfortable.
But last year I began casting some of these fears on the Lord, little by little. He began convicting me about these teens that we've been involved with. He began convicting me about true discipleship. And I discovered that not only was I a poor discipler...I was a poor disciple. It calls for true commitment. And I was hiding. Afraid I would break again! I started handing this over. Then something else happened...He pulled away my human towers this spring...He took my two committed friends across the ocean to serve Him elsewhere. And 'I, only I was left' to carry on the teen work...not really, but that's at least how I felt in the months leading up to their departures and even for a short time after they left. I was overcome with fear, and doubt and worry and anxiety and all of those things wrecked havoc in my soul...crippling me. Begging me to let go, move away and leave it all behind.
I actually considered moving home. It's been a rough year for my family...moving home, though tough in some respects, seemed the simplest solution. But the teens, who would be left to disciple them? Can a person really walk away from a work God has called them to? I had no clear direction, and I knew that if I moved, I'd be running.
So I had a choice. Surrender it to God. It is His work and He will perform it. This summer I did just that.
WOW! What a relief!! Why did I struggle for so long? It was likely the best choice I have ever made...in a long time a least!
Folks, I am the ant. And I have been privileged this fall to watch my Master Creator, Loving Father, Humble Servant, Tender Shepherd do His work.
For we are his workmanship, created in Christ Jesus for good works, which God prepared beforehand that we should walk in them. Col 2:10
My Father, who has given them to me, is greater than all, and no one is able to snatch them out of the Father's hand. I and the Father are one. John 10:29-30
Behold my servant...A bruised reed he will not break, and a faintly burning wick he will not quench... Isaiah 42:3
He will tend his flock like a shepherd; he will gather the lambs in his arms; he will carry them in his bosom and gently lead those that are with young. Isaiah 40:10
As I type these verses, I can't help but stop and Praise Him! for these precious promises, these guiding words...and for revealing His character to us.
I wish I could explain the thrill of watching these young Christian teens pour over the scriptures, reflect on their lives, asking hard questions, challenging themselves to give more of themselves to God, and listen as they sing heartily to Him. I wish you could see the wonder in their eyes and hear the awe in their voices as they experience His presence. I wish I could share with you the heartache of watching them struggle through the distractions of life, sins that so easily beset, the trials of their faith, the discouragement from around and within, and the pain of being the only one in their families who know the Lord. Some are sinking. And its hard to watch. Some are thriving and its inspiring to watch. But they're all struggling. They are in a battle. But the Victor is on their side. I have watched Him doing His work, ministering to their very specific needs, carrying them in His bosom. It is His work, and He will perform it. And I don't think there is anything more humbling or thrilling to watch!
Sometimes I feel trampled under foot. Sometimes I feel like I'm walking on cloud nine. It is an exhausting work. But it is an invigorating work. We are growing, together. And growing is painful. But good. And necessary.
We are all in a battle. Our enemy is ruthless. But there is One who is above all, in all, through all. And He who began a good work in (us) will bring it to completion at the day of Jesus Christ.
(Philippians 1:6)
May it be for His glory and praise!
