The Longer I Wait the Harder it Gets!

Okay. The time has come. I'm breaking the silence.

WOW! It has been a while since I've posted anything...and the more time that passes the bigger the project it feels. So this is gonna be a catch-up post, and I'll apologize in advance for the possible 'rambling' nature of it.

It has been a full month, and not sure if you get this way or not, but when I reflect over the events of the last month, its like looking through a thick haze, early in the morning on a cool autumn day. And because of the things in the present and beyond that I must be prepared for, sometimes I choose not to stand and struggle to let my eyes adjust.

Looking back over my last blog posts, it is neat to reflect that this past month has been characterized by both thankfulness and his strength supplied...I'm learning that the two go hand in hand. I'm sure there must be a verse that indicates that, but can't think of any right now... I still feel like I'm looking through the fog ;)

Now before you worry that I've slipped into my old habits of running on an empty tank and headed towards burnout (I confess it is a concern that will likely last a life-time!), let me explain...

My life has taken on new purpose this year. It is a drastic change, but I believe a good one. It has been tough, but as my friends like to say...'character building'. And most importantly, it has been a change that came directly from God, and when that happens, its doable. By His strength. With thankfulness.

Have you ever felt that you are a tiny speck in God's great universe? Perhaps like an ant, watching his plans unfold, watching Him work, and absolutely convinced that He is overall and in all, and through all. I'll be the first to admit, I don't always sense it. And I have many days of doubt and my faith is weak, very weak...but sometimes you just catch a glimpse of it. And you stand in awe.

You see I've been in this city for over 7 years. I've been involved in youth work even before that...when I was in university, it was a huge part of my life. When I reflect over the last couple of years though, I see myself more as a fixture. I was there for the most part, sometimes into it, sometimes very NOT into it...and sometimes not even there. There was no real consistency...which I chalked up to shift work and a busy life. Looking back, I'm not sure that was the case.

I think I was afraid to be committed. Afraid to take on the responsibility for fear of running dry again. And God gave me great friends who took up the torch, committed to the teen work, committed to the Sunday School, and so I was able to lurk in the shadows, give a little here, and a little there. But no real commitment. Living safely within bounds that became comfortable.

But last year I began casting some of these fears on the Lord, little by little. He began convicting me about these teens that we've been involved with. He began convicting me about true discipleship. And I discovered that not only was I a poor discipler...I was a poor disciple. It calls for true commitment. And I was hiding. Afraid I would break again! I started handing this over. Then something else happened...He pulled away my human towers this spring...He took my two committed friends across the ocean to serve Him elsewhere. And 'I, only I was left' to carry on the teen work...not really, but that's at least how I felt in the months leading up to their departures and even for a short time after they left. I was overcome with fear, and doubt and worry and anxiety and all of those things wrecked havoc in my soul...crippling me. Begging me to let go, move away and leave it all behind.

I actually considered moving home. It's been a rough year for my family...moving home, though tough in some respects, seemed the simplest solution. But the teens, who would be left to disciple them? Can a person really walk away from a work God has called them to? I had no clear direction, and I knew that if I moved, I'd be running.

So I had a choice. Surrender it to God. It is His work and He will perform it. This summer I did just that.

WOW! What a relief!! Why did I struggle for so long? It was likely the best choice I have ever made...in a long time a least!


Folks, I am the ant. And I have been privileged this fall to watch my Master Creator, Loving Father, Humble Servant, Tender Shepherd do His work.

For we are his workmanship, created in Christ Jesus for good works, which God prepared beforehand that we should walk in them. Col 2:10

My Father, who has given them to me, is greater than all, and no one is able to snatch them out of the Father's hand. I and the Father are one. John 10:29-30

Behold my servant...A bruised reed he will not break, and a faintly burning wick he will not quench... Isaiah 42:3

He will tend his flock like a shepherd; he will gather the lambs in his arms; he will carry them in his bosom and gently lead those that are with young. Isaiah 40:10

As I type these verses, I can't help but stop and Praise Him! for these precious promises, these guiding words...and for revealing His character to us.

I wish I could explain the thrill of watching these young Christian teens pour over the scriptures, reflect on their lives, asking hard questions, challenging themselves to give more of themselves to God, and listen as they sing heartily to Him. I wish you could see the wonder in their eyes and hear the awe in their voices as they experience His presence. I wish I could share with you the heartache of watching them struggle through the distractions of life, sins that so easily beset, the trials of their faith, the discouragement from around and within, and the pain of being the only one in their families who know the Lord. Some are sinking. And its hard to watch. Some are thriving and its inspiring to watch. But they're all struggling. They are in a battle. But the Victor is on their side. I have watched Him doing His work, ministering to their very specific needs, carrying them in His bosom. It is His work, and He will perform it. And I don't think there is anything more humbling or thrilling to watch!

Sometimes I feel trampled under foot. Sometimes I feel like I'm walking on cloud nine. It is an exhausting work. But it is an invigorating work. We are growing, together. And growing is painful. But good. And necessary.

We are all in a battle. Our enemy is ruthless. But there is One who is above all, in all, through all. And He who began a good work in (us) will bring it to completion at the day of Jesus Christ.
(Philippians 1:6)

May it be for His glory and praise!

The Strength that He Supplies...

As each has received a gift, use it to serve one another, as good stewards of God's varied grace: whoever speaks, as one who speaks oracles of God; whoever serves, as one who serves by the strength that God supplies—in order that in everything God may be glorified through Jesus Christ. To him belong glory and dominion forever and ever. Amen.

I Peter 4:10-11

Where to begin? WHOA, to say that life has been busy is a bit of an understatement. Insanely busy, is closer...but maybe a bit of an exaggeration...I haven't gone insane yet ;P, or at least I don't think so!

As most know, my dear grandmother (nanny) passed away two weeks ago. She has been sick for a number of years, yet her death still came somewhat unexpected. Being an eastern girl, I needed to travel home for the funeral.

Staying here was. not. an. option.

Even though nanny has not known me for the last 8years of her life, she is my nanny. And I love her. And let me tell you, she is one special lady. She knew what it was to cling to her Father (even as her mind was slipping), to depend on Him for her deepest needs, to trust Him for even her simplest needs. He was her Rock, her Strength, her Comfort, her Shield, her Provider, her Refuge...

She has left huge impressions on my life, that will last a life time. And I had to go home to say one last good-bye. (I will share more of her impact on my life in a later post!)

THE TRIP...likely one of the most exhausting. exhilarating. entertaining. things I have done in a while...Remember the thankfulness journal I started keeping a while ago? O how useful this was!!

I started the trip post night shift, frantically tying up loose ends instead of sleeping, and then leaving at the crack of dawn in order to make it on time for the visiting hours.
And. we. are. so. thankful. we. did! because day 2 left us with an empty tank of gas and a flat tire...stretching our ETA in PEI, well into late evening...just before the visiting hours ended.

I travelled with my dear cousin and her two adorable young children (yes, I'm saying that even after driving across the country with them!!). Yes. She was brave enough to weather such a trip on her own...leaving daddy far behind. On the spur of the moment. Hardly a second thought.

What strength He supplied!! Our trip went smoothly...even with the flat tire. His presence was so real. We were covered in prayers. And we felt it. We watched torrential rains stop in an instant...a prayer lifted up. We felt Him holding us up as we bowed, asking Him to send us help to change the tire. And two lovely gentlemen arrived within minutes. We savoured the sunshine. The cool grass. Beautiful countryside. The timing of stops...and on our way home when we were both exhausted, dreading the long trek, we started the list again...'Thankful for...early-morning coffees and chocolate danishes, smiling babies after a week of travelling, soul-searching conversations, $4 t-shirts, avalanches of birthday wishes, the look of a brave boy smiling through tired eyes'...

...the gift of thankfulness changing weary hearts. Strengthening the inward man, as we travelled.

Exhausting. but refreshing. Reminding me of the Strength that is made perfect in weakness.

I came home from the trip weary. thankful. blessed. thought-full. Straight back to work (which while I was gone has managed to bring 'busy unit' to a whole new level!), Sunday School lesson to prepare, a week full of work and courses...and teen night and Sunday School planning meetings to plan/attend.

Tonight, I'm finally stopping. Unwinding. Sharing. After a full week. My heart is also full. Many times this week I wondered if I'd make it this far. And I did. On His strength alone. WOW, He is good :)

And just when I felt like I couldn't physically get out of bed at 5am one more day, or carry out one more commitment, He gave me this little phrase from I Peter 1 'Father who judges impartially'...and the way it hit me was this...He. of all people, could judge me and take sides. He knows and understands me far better than I do myself. He knows my weaknesses. He knows not just my deeds, but the intent behind them...and He would be righteous in condemning me. But no. As His child He judges impartially.

I may judge, and condemn myself in my weakness. Perfectionists do that! As onlookers we may judge weakness and condemn...we all do it! But I stand uncondemned. Wrapped in the arms of a loving Father who judges impartially. Whose strength is perfected in weakness. Who is glorified, when in our weakness, we come to Him - infused with Strength.

Housekeeping

It seems ironic that I'm sitting here - in an apartment piled with laundry to be folded and laundry to be washed, dishes to be done, floors needing desperately to be vacuumed and washed, and a pile of 'things to put away' sitting on my bed - writing a blog post about housekeeping!

Suffice it to say. This is not about how you keep your home ;) just a few housekeeping items to catch me up and get me back in the game of blogging!!

I'll be honest. I'm new to this whole blogging thing, and I'm learning a thing or two. First off, I need to re-read previous posts before posting a new one...perhaps then I wouldn't repeat myself ;) I apologize for that!! Secondly, blogging is a commitment...and anyone who knows me knows that my track record isn't stellar. I'm a work-in-progress...picked up day-by-day by a loving Father, who knows me better than I do myself. So if you don't hear from me in a while...I'm still workin' on the whole commitment thing :) Don't give on me. I will get to it!

 I will also mention that the first couple of posts were really just to describe how I got to be where I am today...more reflective, shall we say! The real purpose of the blog is to give you a flavour of how God is working in my life right now.

...and now that the house has been tidied (figuratively only!!!), read on!

The Gift of Thankfulness

Give thanks in all circumstances; for this is the will of God in Christ Jesus for you. 1 Thess 5:18

 



I've been thinking of posting this for a little while, but life has its way of getting away...

I want to tell you how the gift of thankfulness has changed my life. How it is transforming my mind, and molding my attitude. I want to tell you how I was first introduced to the discipline of thankfulness, and how the power of 'be thankful always in all things', a command from God's holy word, has changed and is changing this ungrateful, often earthly-focused gal.

  I was an over-achiever, highly motivated, eternally optimistic, 'yes' kind of gal, focused on my service-based-acceptance Christian life, who hit rock bottom in 3rd year university. Apparently I had fried my brains (burnout they say) saying 'yes' to everything, and running on an empty tank. I was diagnosed with major depressive disorder and put on strong sedatives initially, and then started my 'life-long' prescription of anti-anxiety/anti-depressant meds. (Looking back, I likely struggled with anxiety since I was 10). God graciously dealt with me that year...I was able to finish university, and I have worked for the last 6 years in pediatric cardiac nursing in a large city hospital.

 

  Over the years I have hit some more deep lows, including suffering from a broken back less than 6mnths after starting work, and dealing with chronic debilitating pain for over a year...not knowing if I would ever be free from pain and work again! I sunk into a deep depression and maxed out on my meds...convinced I would never be free from the anxiety and depression that seemed to be controlling my life.

 

  I tried multiple times to wean my meds, focusing on exercise, rigid routines etc...but less than a month into it I would find myself each morning, doubled up with anxiety, unable to get out of bed. I was still clinging to God, still reading and praying, and talking and walking with God...but could not be freed from this anxiety. No amount of self-talk or convincing would help. So I continued, maxed out on meds, managing just fine with a busy work, personal and church life.

 

  Last summer, my discipleship partner encouraged me to read the book 'One Thousand Gifts' by Ann Voskamp, and we challenged each other to start our list of one thousand gifts. The list has continued. I carry it with me wherever I go, and update it on the subway, at the coffee shop, on a break at work, in the quiet of my room, making mental notes throughout the day of his rich blessings. It has changed my outlook on life's circumstances. It has changed how I read my Bible. How I commune with God. How I worship. and the list goes on. Perhaps most significantly, it has changed my mind. Last fall I weaned completely from my meds, and am officially med free!! A feat my doctor said was next to impossible after being on these meds for more than 5 years.

 

  Life is not without its challenges... in my work life, church life, home life, family life...but He is teaching me to count my blessings, offer thanks, cultivate a spirit of thankfulness..."and the peace that passes all understanding will keep your heart and your mind in Christ Jesus". I remember one night in particular, I was sitting struggling with life, not wanting to be thankful, finding it hard to think of something to be thankful for, but reading through the Psalms. He spoke "We give thanks to you, O God; we give thanks, for your name is near. We recount your wondrous deeds...Oh give thanks to the Lord; call upon his name; make known his deeds..."

 

   And I bowed my head and did just that. And I felt the burden lift, and peace flood in.

This story has been repeated over and over again! It is the key. The key to a joyful, full life in Him. Because the moment we bow our hearts in thankfulness, we lift our eyes from the imperfect, to the Giver of good and perfect gifts, his joy and peace floods our souls. And He is glorified!

 

The one who offers thanksgiving as his sacrifice glorifies me Psalm 50:23

Am I in Holland?

These past few weeks have been rough. Real rough.
                 And I'm only the nurse. A distant part of a tragic story.
Watching an infant take their final breath in their mother's arms, is devastating. Heart-wrenching. Crushing. No words really describe the loss one feels. The pain one sees in the parents' eyes. The emptiness. Helplessness. Heart-break and despair.
               There are no words.
But this family knew God. He is their Rock. And they knew it. Those of us who believe, knew it. And everyone else watching, saw it.

How else can a grieving family worship as they lay their little one to rest? How else can the glow of the Good Shepherd shine so brightly from them, in the midst of such deep darkness?
               They know Him.
The pain is still real. Unending. Vast.
Yet they speak of the 'peace that passes all understanding'. It is real. And everyone watching knows it! Whether they admit it or not.

And though the life of this little one has been cut short, the story still speaks to each heart involved. Those who watched, helped, prayed, listened, cared, and heard will be forever touched, by this little child.

Of course all of this got me thinking. Again. About purpose. About the canvasses of our lives. What is God doing? In my life? ...and I suppose you can think about yours...

You see in the course of these past few weeks, I've come home from work and cried. Buckets sometimes. Not for myself. But for the family. For their brokenness. For their pain.

                        And ultimately, for shattered dreams.

I'm reminded of a story called 'Welcome to Holland', google it, its worth the read! It relates the experience of having a child with special needs to that of a person who spends months planning a trip to Italy, and in the end finds themselves in Holland.

And, although I'm not sure there is a pain any deeper on earth than the pain of losing a child, I've thought of the pain of shattered dreams.

Whether its a cancer diagnosis; infertility; a child with special needs; divorce; unreliable work; mental health issues; a wayward child, spouse, loved one; broken relationships; singleness...behind each face, there's a story. There are shattered dreams.

When I was young I dreamed of what my life would look like. I imagined myself married young, trucking off with my God-centered spouse, to some distant land with just a few meager belongings. Opening our home to the poor, orphaned and widowed. By worldly standards, we wouldn't have much. But by God's standard seeking to fill storehouses of treasure!

Sounds like a fantastic dream! (And I've come to learn, quite romanticized!!)

Yet here I am in this city. I've been here for almost 7years. A career-woman, some would say. Too busy for a family. Too independent to settle down.

And if only they knew how much these assumptions hurt. Cut to the core. Rip apart what is left of that dream. In my heart, nothing could be farther from the truth. How I long, at times to come home to a house filled with laughter, noise, family! To walk away from this job, that I truly do love, and devote myself to my family. To teach them, and learn from them and love them till my heart can love no more.

Sometimes my commitment to God haunts me 'Though none go with me, still I will follow'. The enemy whispers 'are you sure about that? Perhaps you've sealed your destiny of singleness.' Sometimes well-meaning friends speak for him, telling me how I can change my situation, and what I need to do to make my dream a reality. And I start looking inside myself for defects, trying harder to be that person.

I ask myself why? Why is it that I'm here? In this city. With a career. Living alone. Doing exactly what I never, ever, ever wanted to do.

How did I end up in Holland?

And I don't know why.

Perhaps I don't need to know why. Maybe I'm asking the wrong question and missing the point altogether.

 

I don't need to know why. I need to know Him.

Now. Here. In these very-different-from-what-I-ever-dreamed circumstances.

That's what this family taught me through their grief.

Jim Elliot said: 'I am willing that my house on earth be emptier, but not unless his house be fuller'.

My heart has uttered these words before, and I will do it again. Not because I don't have a dream, but because I know that whatever He has planned is far better than I can imagine.

Outside of my comfort zone

So, I find myself here again, outside my comfort zone...starting a blog! I make no promises about how long it will last. For me, these things often come in waves, like journaling, exercising, cooking, emailing, shopping, ...but today I had the urge again to start one, and find myself with some time to do just that.

Okay, so you may be wondering about the title already. Some of you already know why I chose the title, but for those who don't...here's the abbreviated version ;)

It started in university, my 3rd year.

Well, really it started long before that. As Psalm 139:16 says 'Your eyes saw my unformed substance; in your book were written, every one of them, the days that were formed for me, when as yet there was none of them' - so it started even before conception! But I said I'd give you the abbreviated version ;)

University was a time of digging down deep with God. Searching my values and beliefs, discovering who I really am. It was painful. It was beautiful. It was exhausting. It was refreshing. God sent along friends to challenge me, stretch me and ultimately establish me in the truth of God, not my impression of what that truth might be.

I was always an over-achiever, highly motivated, eternally optimistic, 'yes' kind of gal, focused on my service-based-acceptance Christian life, who hit rock bottom in 3rd year university. I was filling everyone else's tank, while mine was bone dry. Empty. And God stopped me in my tracks, set me aside for a time to rest in His green pastures, beside the still waters.

At first I was angry. This meant an extra year of university, which He knew I couldn't afford. I had never failed at anything significant before, and now I was doing a 4year nursing program in 5...agh! What was He thinking? Not only that, but I had so many people that seemed to really need me, some who were babies in Christ! Why now? How could this possibly be good?? I stewed for 2months, and then I let it all go...poured it all out to Him. That's when I experienced the still waters and green pastures. His healing, His peace that passes understanding, His goodness and perfect plan.

And it was during that time of brokenness, a time of emptying that I experienced His fullness. And I vowed I would follow Him though none go with me.

Up to that point I never really knew what it meant to make a promise with God. I'd heard people talk about it, knew it was a good thing. Thought that perhaps one day I would do the same...but that day I knew. I knew it was real, and I knew there was no turning back. No turning back.

And by His grace, I am still here...seeking to follow Him.

Now before you think it has anything to do with me, let me set the record straight. Not a chance! There have been many times since where I've wandered from Him. Far from Him. My heart cold, empty, bitter, dark and broken. I willed myself to give it all up. To turn back. To even end this monotony called 'life'. But each time He spoke. Sometimes a whisper. Sometimes a call. Sometimes a shout. But each time, exactly what I needed...and He pulled me back. Reminding me of my commitment. And powered me on. One step at a time.

So today I'm here. Stepping outside of my comfort zone. Again. Trusting Him to lead, and praying this little collection of thoughts, experiences, and adventures with God, is a blessing to you.