Outside of my comfort zone

So, I find myself here again, outside my comfort zone...starting a blog! I make no promises about how long it will last. For me, these things often come in waves, like journaling, exercising, cooking, emailing, shopping, ...but today I had the urge again to start one, and find myself with some time to do just that.

Okay, so you may be wondering about the title already. Some of you already know why I chose the title, but for those who don't...here's the abbreviated version ;)

It started in university, my 3rd year.

Well, really it started long before that. As Psalm 139:16 says 'Your eyes saw my unformed substance; in your book were written, every one of them, the days that were formed for me, when as yet there was none of them' - so it started even before conception! But I said I'd give you the abbreviated version ;)

University was a time of digging down deep with God. Searching my values and beliefs, discovering who I really am. It was painful. It was beautiful. It was exhausting. It was refreshing. God sent along friends to challenge me, stretch me and ultimately establish me in the truth of God, not my impression of what that truth might be.

I was always an over-achiever, highly motivated, eternally optimistic, 'yes' kind of gal, focused on my service-based-acceptance Christian life, who hit rock bottom in 3rd year university. I was filling everyone else's tank, while mine was bone dry. Empty. And God stopped me in my tracks, set me aside for a time to rest in His green pastures, beside the still waters.

At first I was angry. This meant an extra year of university, which He knew I couldn't afford. I had never failed at anything significant before, and now I was doing a 4year nursing program in 5...agh! What was He thinking? Not only that, but I had so many people that seemed to really need me, some who were babies in Christ! Why now? How could this possibly be good?? I stewed for 2months, and then I let it all go...poured it all out to Him. That's when I experienced the still waters and green pastures. His healing, His peace that passes understanding, His goodness and perfect plan.

And it was during that time of brokenness, a time of emptying that I experienced His fullness. And I vowed I would follow Him though none go with me.

Up to that point I never really knew what it meant to make a promise with God. I'd heard people talk about it, knew it was a good thing. Thought that perhaps one day I would do the same...but that day I knew. I knew it was real, and I knew there was no turning back. No turning back.

And by His grace, I am still here...seeking to follow Him.

Now before you think it has anything to do with me, let me set the record straight. Not a chance! There have been many times since where I've wandered from Him. Far from Him. My heart cold, empty, bitter, dark and broken. I willed myself to give it all up. To turn back. To even end this monotony called 'life'. But each time He spoke. Sometimes a whisper. Sometimes a call. Sometimes a shout. But each time, exactly what I needed...and He pulled me back. Reminding me of my commitment. And powered me on. One step at a time.

So today I'm here. Stepping outside of my comfort zone. Again. Trusting Him to lead, and praying this little collection of thoughts, experiences, and adventures with God, is a blessing to you.