Am I in Holland?

These past few weeks have been rough. Real rough.
                 And I'm only the nurse. A distant part of a tragic story.
Watching an infant take their final breath in their mother's arms, is devastating. Heart-wrenching. Crushing. No words really describe the loss one feels. The pain one sees in the parents' eyes. The emptiness. Helplessness. Heart-break and despair.
               There are no words.
But this family knew God. He is their Rock. And they knew it. Those of us who believe, knew it. And everyone else watching, saw it.

How else can a grieving family worship as they lay their little one to rest? How else can the glow of the Good Shepherd shine so brightly from them, in the midst of such deep darkness?
               They know Him.
The pain is still real. Unending. Vast.
Yet they speak of the 'peace that passes all understanding'. It is real. And everyone watching knows it! Whether they admit it or not.

And though the life of this little one has been cut short, the story still speaks to each heart involved. Those who watched, helped, prayed, listened, cared, and heard will be forever touched, by this little child.

Of course all of this got me thinking. Again. About purpose. About the canvasses of our lives. What is God doing? In my life? ...and I suppose you can think about yours...

You see in the course of these past few weeks, I've come home from work and cried. Buckets sometimes. Not for myself. But for the family. For their brokenness. For their pain.

                        And ultimately, for shattered dreams.

I'm reminded of a story called 'Welcome to Holland', google it, its worth the read! It relates the experience of having a child with special needs to that of a person who spends months planning a trip to Italy, and in the end finds themselves in Holland.

And, although I'm not sure there is a pain any deeper on earth than the pain of losing a child, I've thought of the pain of shattered dreams.

Whether its a cancer diagnosis; infertility; a child with special needs; divorce; unreliable work; mental health issues; a wayward child, spouse, loved one; broken relationships; singleness...behind each face, there's a story. There are shattered dreams.

When I was young I dreamed of what my life would look like. I imagined myself married young, trucking off with my God-centered spouse, to some distant land with just a few meager belongings. Opening our home to the poor, orphaned and widowed. By worldly standards, we wouldn't have much. But by God's standard seeking to fill storehouses of treasure!

Sounds like a fantastic dream! (And I've come to learn, quite romanticized!!)

Yet here I am in this city. I've been here for almost 7years. A career-woman, some would say. Too busy for a family. Too independent to settle down.

And if only they knew how much these assumptions hurt. Cut to the core. Rip apart what is left of that dream. In my heart, nothing could be farther from the truth. How I long, at times to come home to a house filled with laughter, noise, family! To walk away from this job, that I truly do love, and devote myself to my family. To teach them, and learn from them and love them till my heart can love no more.

Sometimes my commitment to God haunts me 'Though none go with me, still I will follow'. The enemy whispers 'are you sure about that? Perhaps you've sealed your destiny of singleness.' Sometimes well-meaning friends speak for him, telling me how I can change my situation, and what I need to do to make my dream a reality. And I start looking inside myself for defects, trying harder to be that person.

I ask myself why? Why is it that I'm here? In this city. With a career. Living alone. Doing exactly what I never, ever, ever wanted to do.

How did I end up in Holland?

And I don't know why.

Perhaps I don't need to know why. Maybe I'm asking the wrong question and missing the point altogether.

 

I don't need to know why. I need to know Him.

Now. Here. In these very-different-from-what-I-ever-dreamed circumstances.

That's what this family taught me through their grief.

Jim Elliot said: 'I am willing that my house on earth be emptier, but not unless his house be fuller'.

My heart has uttered these words before, and I will do it again. Not because I don't have a dream, but because I know that whatever He has planned is far better than I can imagine.

Outside of my comfort zone

So, I find myself here again, outside my comfort zone...starting a blog! I make no promises about how long it will last. For me, these things often come in waves, like journaling, exercising, cooking, emailing, shopping, ...but today I had the urge again to start one, and find myself with some time to do just that.

Okay, so you may be wondering about the title already. Some of you already know why I chose the title, but for those who don't...here's the abbreviated version ;)

It started in university, my 3rd year.

Well, really it started long before that. As Psalm 139:16 says 'Your eyes saw my unformed substance; in your book were written, every one of them, the days that were formed for me, when as yet there was none of them' - so it started even before conception! But I said I'd give you the abbreviated version ;)

University was a time of digging down deep with God. Searching my values and beliefs, discovering who I really am. It was painful. It was beautiful. It was exhausting. It was refreshing. God sent along friends to challenge me, stretch me and ultimately establish me in the truth of God, not my impression of what that truth might be.

I was always an over-achiever, highly motivated, eternally optimistic, 'yes' kind of gal, focused on my service-based-acceptance Christian life, who hit rock bottom in 3rd year university. I was filling everyone else's tank, while mine was bone dry. Empty. And God stopped me in my tracks, set me aside for a time to rest in His green pastures, beside the still waters.

At first I was angry. This meant an extra year of university, which He knew I couldn't afford. I had never failed at anything significant before, and now I was doing a 4year nursing program in 5...agh! What was He thinking? Not only that, but I had so many people that seemed to really need me, some who were babies in Christ! Why now? How could this possibly be good?? I stewed for 2months, and then I let it all go...poured it all out to Him. That's when I experienced the still waters and green pastures. His healing, His peace that passes understanding, His goodness and perfect plan.

And it was during that time of brokenness, a time of emptying that I experienced His fullness. And I vowed I would follow Him though none go with me.

Up to that point I never really knew what it meant to make a promise with God. I'd heard people talk about it, knew it was a good thing. Thought that perhaps one day I would do the same...but that day I knew. I knew it was real, and I knew there was no turning back. No turning back.

And by His grace, I am still here...seeking to follow Him.

Now before you think it has anything to do with me, let me set the record straight. Not a chance! There have been many times since where I've wandered from Him. Far from Him. My heart cold, empty, bitter, dark and broken. I willed myself to give it all up. To turn back. To even end this monotony called 'life'. But each time He spoke. Sometimes a whisper. Sometimes a call. Sometimes a shout. But each time, exactly what I needed...and He pulled me back. Reminding me of my commitment. And powered me on. One step at a time.

So today I'm here. Stepping outside of my comfort zone. Again. Trusting Him to lead, and praying this little collection of thoughts, experiences, and adventures with God, is a blessing to you.